Life's Too Short To Be Sad...

Loves It!

2006-06-06T23:33:37Z

so sunday night me, john, momo, mark, joseph, ron, and ray went to fusion in fullerton. it was the grand opening so there werent that many ppl, but i still had fun cuz i got drunk! as usual! then the next day, monday, i had to get up like at 930 to go get john and interview at disneyland. the interview went well and we both got hired for attractions. we dont know where exactly, but its somewhere in adventureland or frontier land. ahaha. loves it. and then we stayed there FOREVER to fill out ALL the paperwork! ugh! we left like at 4! and then we went swimming at my place, then went to marks. and guess what we did. drank! ahaha. i love it! orientation... or "traditions" as they call it lol is this saturday for me and john at 10 am for 8 hrs. so this friday may be my last for sure day im going to rage. and saturday may be the last time i go to john w/ d land since we most likely will never work the same attraction or shift. but im excited. and my last final is tomorrow at 3:50, and im done. then summers here. woo hoo! party! work! money! boys! alcohol! loves it! <3333

Weekend Update!

2006-06-05T00:12:32Z

so im back on lj... imma update more foten cuz its summer and it gets boring. mmmmk, here goes nothing.

friday: uhm... john and i went to d land to apply. it took quite a while so by the time they asked us to interview we had to reschedule cuz i had to go to class. so we have interviews tomorrow morning (monday) at 1130. then we went clubbing w/ mark and ron to rage. it was fun. i met marc, this guy i was interested in. it was good times.

saturday: so saturday sucked major ass, till the end of the night. First i had to plant all this shit outside in like 100 degree weather, but that wasnt so bad spending time w/my cousin and making fun of my dad. lol.
marc and i were supposed to hang out, but i knew something bad was gonna happen. i could just tell... call it womens intuition if u want. ahaha jp. well i IM'd him asking whats going on and basically he said that hes just here for summer, and he doesnt wanna get into anything too serious... or commit. but hey.. he said i was cute and he was attracted to me... and that part of him wanted that. but w/e. that sorta eased the pain of the whole situtaion. what kinda irritates me is the fact that he cut it off from the begining. the fact that we didnt even have time to get to know eachother, or even really hang out. i say get to know me first, hang out w/ me, have some fun, and then decide if i'm not what you're looking for cuz you're only here for summer. but hey, everyone has their own way of dealing w/ certain situations. thats just not the way i wouldve handled it. so i was pretty bummed out. i mean marc was really really good looking. and what i knew about him, i really did like. meh... so i called scarlett... and we talked and she just helped me collect myself again.
and then i went to out to rancho. we went to a little pool party, then applebees, then to marks house.

sunday: i did nothing today. got a job interview tomorrow at d land. but tonight rancho is going to fusion. in more detail, mark, ron, me, john, momo, and josephare going to this new clubs grand opening in fullerton. so i cant wait to drink. woo hoo!

"4ever" - The Veronicas

Here we are so what you gonna do?
Do I gotta spell it out for you?
I can see that you got other plans for tonight,
But I don’t really care.

Size me up you know I beat the best.
Tick tock no time to rest.
Let them say what their gonna say,
But tonight, I just don’t really care

Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever.
Let me show you all the things that we could do.
You know you wanna be together,
And I wanna spend the night with you.
Yeah, yeah, with you, yeah, yeah.
Come with me tonight,
We could make the night last 4ever.

I’ve seen it all, I’ve got nothing to prove.
Come on baby just make your move.
Follow me lets leave it all behind tonight,
Like we just don’t care.

Let me take you on the ride of your life,
That’s what I said alright.
They can say what they wanna say
'Cause tonight I just don’t even care.

Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever.
Let me show you all the things that we could do.
You know you wanna be together,
And I wanna spend the night with you.
Yeah, yeah, with you, yeah, yeah.
Come with me tonight,
We could make the night last 4ever.

Lets pretend you’re mine.
We could just pretend, we could just pretend, yeah, yeah.
You got what I like.
You got what I like, I got what you like.
Oh come on,
Just one taste and you’ll want more.
So tell me what your waiting for.

Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever.
Let me show you all the things that we could do.
You know you wanna be together,
And I wanna spend the night with you.
Yeah, yeah, with you, yeah, yeah.
Come with me tonight,
We could make the night last 4ever.

Come on baby we ain’t gonna live 4ever.
Let me show you all the things that we could do.
You know you wanna be together,
And I wanna spend the night with you.
Yeah, yeah, with you, yeah, yeah.
Come with me tonight,
We could make the night last 4ever.

mistakenthought @ 2006-04-29T01:38:00

2006-04-29T08:53:10Z

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD LYRICS
"Wild Horses"

I feel these four walls closing in
My face up against the glass, Im looking out...
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast, how do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I want to be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first, headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I want to be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I wanna run too

Wrecklessly abandoning my self before you
I wanna open up my heart, tell him how I feel

[Chorus:]
Wild horses I want to be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing too
I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I wanna run with the wild horses

random

2005-10-25T03:00:24Z

im tired. i missed all my classes today and i just hung out @ the pride center. at the end of the day it was just me and chester in the pride center talking till 7pm. now im bored, tired, and feel that i wasted my day away. i wanna do something fun tomorrow. i need to make new friends... theres nothing wrong w/ the old ones... i just want more. my friend steven thats in guard w/ me just posted a bulletin on myspace and it sed i was a sweetheart and really funny... so that just made my day. come entertain me anyone. be my new friend...

oh, and my ex is being retarded... it annoys me. whenever shit happens its always my fault. its so hard to even be friends w/ all the fighting.

missing...

2005-10-05T05:52:36Z

hmmmmm... somethings missing in my life. theres this empty/lonely feeling. as if theres a void of some sort that cant be filled by my dear friends. i can tell the next month is going to be extremely difficult for me. i'll have no time for myself, or my friends, and especially no time to attempt to fill this "void" in my life. this wkend and next wkend we have back to back colorguard camps. these are fri6pm-10pm, sat10am-10pm, and sun10am-5pm in addition to wed practices 6-10pm. so im stressing about working w/ our world class staff that we're flying in and paying sooo much for! and if ill have time for friends, school, romantic interests, and myself as well. october doesnt sound too appealing @ this point in time, but im sure i can salvage something out of it. basically it balls to the walls at this point... w/ everything... school, boys, friends, and especially guard. i gotta take on this month w/ no regrets, manage my time wisely, and make sure every second that isnt spent @ pracitce, is used productively... not just in doing hw and such, but making memories w/ the ppl that i love in the little time i have. i hope errrrrrything goes well.....

Ahhhhhhhhh!

2005-09-10T10:07:18Z

i have so much going on in my head and in my heart right now! so many thoughts and feelings that are difficult to put into words. and if i even attempted to put these feelings in to words, it would turn into a several page essay about the one thing i regret doing in my life. so ill just save myself the drama and say that things arent what id liek them to be at this point in time and in my life. i havent been able to fall asleep right away every night since sunday! i just lay in bed, tossing and turning, and thinking about this one thing thats been on my mind!!! ugh! its really eating away at me! and ive cried almost daily about it! im just... just worried that this will be bothering me the rest of my life! and i wish there was something i can do about it, but theres absolutely nothing whatsoever i can do. i guess "things happen for a reason" but sometimes i just wonder and have to ask what was the reason for this and why?????????????? oh well... :( im tired and im off to bed!

***********

"One In This World" - Haylie Duff

I've been searching for
A heart that needs a heart like mine
I've been reaching for
A hand that understands
I've been waiting for
Someone that I can love that loves me
Loves me for the one that I am

Someone to hold me when I'm lonley
Someone to keep the rain away
They say
They say

[Chorus]
There's one in this world for everyone
One heart
One soul to walk beside you
One in this life to share your love
One touch
To touch the heart inside you
One to reach for each night
One to trust with your life
That's what I believe
You're the one
The one in this world for me

I've been praying that
Someone like you would rescue me
I've been hoping that
I'll find my way to you
I've been dreaming that
Someday I'll finally find somebody
Somebody to make my dreams come ture

Someone to hold me when I'm lonley
Someone to give my whole world to
They say
They say

[Chorus]
There's one in this world for everyone
One heart
One soul to walk beside you
One in this life to share your love
One touch
To touch the heart inside you
One to reach for each night
One to trust with your life
That's what I believe
You're the one
The one in this world for me

Somebody to hold me when I'm lonely
Someone to tell my secrets to
Someone who's living for me only
Someone to give my whole world to
They say
They say
They say
They say

[Chorus]
There's one in this world for everyone
One heart
One soul to walk beside you
One in this life to share your love
One touch
To touch the heart inside you
One to reach for each night
One to trust with your life
That's what I believe
You're the one
The one in this world for me

You're the one
You're the one in this world for me
You're the one

UNDISCOVERED

2005-08-30T08:16:22Z

Ashlee Simpson - Undiscovered Lyrics

Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

Don't walk away

Touch me now how I wanna feel something so real
Please remind me, my love, and take me back
Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing, I'm suffocating without you
Do you feel it too?

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
It's then I know my heart is whole
Theres a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
'Cause I don't want to be alone

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you

Cuz I can't fake
And I can't hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all I need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please?
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, there's no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, I'm without
I'm crossed out
I'm kicked out
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away

a weekend of colorguard & fun

2005-07-26T06:48:20Z

thursday was fun at tigerheat. got to spend time w/ tyler as well as john and mark. fun!

friday i went to rage and ended up seeing some colorguard ppl that were supposed to be @ the workshops the next morning @ 10 am... so i didnt feel so bad for going to rage knowing i had a long day of colorguard coming up. then near the end of the night tim, john, sebastian and i danced the rest of the night shirtless...it was HOT! then i met geo from the 70s house on mtv... we took pix, and he told me to add him on myspace.

saturday was diamante workshops. it was HOT! both temperature and just the positive attitude of everything. mario (the instructor) is a genius when it comes to tricks and writing work... and im hoping i make it cuz theres gonna be some hot ass moves in the show! so the day went well...then i went home, rested, then drove to norwalk, ate in n out w/ tyler, met his friend davie, then met brent and brett at a busted ass party in santa fe springs. and now i call tyler ty...just cuz i LOVE it an he does too.

sunday was back to diamante workshops where we again learned some hot work and dd it to music this time. mario and austin (the tech) said ive gotten more flexible really quick so that was good. the day was long and hard, but i love everyone there already!!!

monday was a much needed day of rest. my entire body is sore! i just watched some of the 1st season fo laguna beach! then it came!!!!! the first episode of the 2nd season of laguna beach! it was HOT! cant wait for more. butnow im tired and i gotta sleep!

a short entry...

2005-07-20T07:15:01Z

my list

hung out w/ tyler saturday - had fun!
been working out w/ john often - my body's getting better.
went to bjs then the BLOCK w/ john, mark, camille, and taylor yesterday - FUN!
wanna go to TigerHeat on thurs but its Tim's bday so idk - tim is more important than TH or any stupid boy
wanna go to rage fri but i have guard stuff at 10am the next day - maybe i'll go and leave early
got DIAMANTE winterguard workshops this wkend - nervous...i hear were dancing for 3 HOURS!!!

alltogether id say the feelings of the week are lost, bored, nervous... yet i still manage to have fun w/ friends. thats all. with all that said and done... 2 things to say...

"Sometimes there is no next time, no time-outs, no second chances...sometimes it's now or never..."

"Live like it's the last moon rising, scream just like no one's there, lose all of my defenses, hold you, touch you, love you, like it's the very last moment in time..."

LOTS OF CATCHING UP TO DO!!!

2005-07-13T04:50:56Z

so its been about 2 months since my last entry. i need to update more!

so mark and i have been broken up for almost 2 months...the relationship lasted about a month but we dated since october. anywho, there was drama last wkend when he called me drunk and told me all this shit. i cried, hung up, and there was a fight and all. then this wkend at the party he said hi like nothing happened, so i pulled him aside and we talked...he apologized and now were friends again.

on to other things...ive been clubbing and partying a lot, which i love, and ive seen pacific crests drum corp show twice and i LOVE it. i regret not marching this summer, but im still sticking to my excuse that i have no money and have to go to school...cuz both are true.

anywho... onto boys... theres this guy tyler that i met a while ago on myspace. i saw him at tigerheat like 2 wks ago, then i actually met him and hung out a bit at TH. anywho i was totally interested and hes handsome so i wanted to hang out. so that nite at TH he was like "im meeting my friend jeff" and i think nothing of it. anywho, we planned on hanging out yesterday (monday) but it was his dads b day and we didnt wanna be on a time restriction so we moved it to today (tuesday). so we go eat at bjs, then go to best buy and he mentions that he has to go to disneyland w/ jeff and im like ok. i was kinda aggravated cuz we moved our hang out to today so we can spend more time together and we ended up spending less. anywho, im taking him home so he can go to d land w/ jeff and he totally starts talking about jeff and how jeff likes him and yadda yadda. here i am thinking jeff was just a friend and im all interested in tyler and having a retarded HS crush (i guess you can call it infatuation cuz i dont know him well enough to LIKE him but i LIKE what i do know about him) when really jeff and him are like talking i guess. and the thing is like, i know flirting and i flirt w/ppl and so does tyler, but to me tyler was like FLIRTING...like hardcore like more than i do...so i was like ok....yay...but i guess its more like ok, NO!!!!!!!!!!!! hmmmmmmmm...well, anyways it was a bitter ending to our hangout when i drove off then sat in over an hour of traffic. and i was too tired to go clubbing tonight...ugh!!!!!!!!! w/e... but i still want him! haha ill get him. ppl who know me know that i dont give up easily when it comes to boys...

sometimes i just wish things were so much easier. like ppl were easier to read, and no one played games. idk if "games" is the right word; ok its not; but i just wish...well idk...i guess thats why theyre called wishes...cuz they hardly ever come true! blah.

at least DIAMANTE winteguard camps were cancelled this wkend. one more wkend of fun!

i was reading an old entry like 2 or 3 entries back and i found this...just thinking...thats all...

"i started talking to mark again like last wk. and then were going out this friday. we had a long overdue talk about our feelings this sunday. and weve decided to go out again and see what happens again. (fyi, mark and i dated for 4 months then broke it off before the winterguard season started). but im happy!!!!! and this entry is titled "things ive learned..." for a reason. among dating, flirting, being single, taken, and everything else in the gay world ive learned that im always trying to get something better and am never satisfied. this may seem like a good thing, but really, it isnt. ive learned that one guy may be hot, but an asshole, and another may be nice, and ugly. lol. and ive learned that i miss mark thru all of this dating or time away from him during the winterguard season. ive learned that there is no perfect man. chosing mark is not settling for less, but me finally realizing all of these things ive learned. i need stability. and others cant provide that. haha. marks been there for me all the time, and no one else has. im glad i learned all this, but am a little dissappointed that it took me a while to notice this, and that i hurt mark in the process. BUT, im thankful that hes STILL here, and hes forgiving, and giving me a...what is it? 4th chance. lol. THX MARK!"

news...

2005-04-25T06:28:56Z

friday
so i went out w/ mark on friday on our first "official" date event ho we dated for like 4 months before the winterguard season started. well, anyways, it was really good. we went to irvine spectrum! thats the same place where we went out for the first time to just "hang out". but yeah, we put our name in at cheesecake factory, then went shopping for a little and checked movie times. we went back, ate, then went in to see the amittyville horror. i didnt get it! but anyways, the date was really sweet and perfect and it brought back good memories. then i dropped him off, got home and we talked. and yeah...the rest is history. so i have a b/f . we figured we know eachother well, dated for a while already, and instead of starting over just continue where we left off. so thats that.

saturday
went out w/ poli. as soon as i picked him up there was drama w/ his sis. and omg, yeah, i dont wanna say anything that happened to protect him. but yeah, we went to HB and had a little bonfire. it was fun. we just talked, and all that good stuff, then went to starbucks for a bit. that boys been thru so much shit it makes me seem like a whiny bitch. im proud of him! hes strong. and hes my kid! i wanna take care of him, and just be there for him. he needs a great friend. i know its asking a lot from my selfish self, but poli is GREAT! i wanna be there for him! so yeah, thats about it.

sunday
BORED! life sux w/o guard. i miss pc. i wanna cry.

things ive learned...

2005-04-21T07:02:08Z

so yeah. haha. it was a dramatic wkend. on sunday, PC took gold, i met lots of new ppl, and we all ate at CPK at irvine spectrum after and said our goodbyes. ill fucken miss PC soooo much. im already going thru guard withdrawls. im nervous about this wkend and what will happen w/ all my free time! but yeah, back to the wkend. there was drama w/ matt before sunday, and i wrote about in the previous entry. but yeah, me and the diamond bar girls had a bonding experience, so im extremely thankful for that. i LOVE all of them. and yeah, nothings gonna happen w/ matt. which im kinda glad. hes a good guy, but just, i think i know where i belong. i started talking to mark again like last wk. and then were going out this friday. we had a long overdue talk about our feelings this sunday. and weve decided to go out again and see what happens again. (fyi, mark and i dated for 4 months then broke it off before the winterguard season started). but im happy!!!!! and this entry is titled "things ive learned..." for a reason. among dating, flirting, being single, taken, and everything else in the gay world ive learned that im always trying to get something better and am never satisfied. this may seem like a good thing, but really, it isnt. ive learned that one guy may be hot, but an asshole, and another may be nice, and ugly. lol. and ive learned that i miss mark thru all of this dating or time away from him during the winterguard season. ive learned that there is no perfect man. chosing mark is not settling for less, but me finally realizing all of these things ive learned. i need stability. and others cant provide that. haha. marks been there for me all the time, and no one else has. im glad i learned all this, but am a little dissappointed that it took me a while to notice this, and that i hurt mark in the process. BUT, im thankful that hes STILL here, and hes forgiving, and giving me a...what is it? 4th chance. lol. THX MARK! and yeah, hopefully this fri goes good. thats all. and i want to go out w/ my damn dbw girls already!!!! (dbw=diamond bar world) lets go already! "DIVAS!!! DIVAS?!!!"

a little sleep...

2005-04-16T17:36:11Z

what the EFFFFFFF am i doing up this early. i slept around 5 am ish and im up by 10. wow. and im not THAT tired. blah. i really hope this day will be a total opposite of yesterday. i dont know what to write...

this is NOT happening...

2005-04-16T08:22:23Z

i feel like shit. im tired as fuck, my back is sore from sitting in the car for sooooo long, and i cant sleep cuz somethings bugging me. i fucking like matt! there i said it! shit! and now i fucked up shit between us. you're fucking kidding me! this is not happening to me. heres the story...
so john and i go down to sd to visit him, and we have fun, and he says the word "traffic" all funny and does this hand thing. so my best friend john and i make fun of it like we always do w/ anyone. blah, had fun in sd, all that. went to matts work before john and i were gonna leave and then i left a note on his car before i left. so now john and i are back in la and at a bachelorette party and matt calls. we talk, i had fun and all that jazz, then he asks what the joke about "traffic" was and then i told him and he got all mad. i mean yes i undersand but ugh! and then he texted me that the note i left him was bull. grrrr. its not bull. i had fun!!!!!!! matt is fun! i enjoy spending time w/ him. why would i drive forever to see just anyone. i wouldnt...its matt!!! i went to see the guy i like and spend time!!!!!! grrrrr. and like i totally spent more time driving then i did spending time w/ him. and i dont mind AT ALL cuz it was worth it. im not writing this to say "look, im right and matts wrong!!!" cuz i dont believe thats the case. im just laying everything out there. i know i did something wrong, and im totally sorry. grrrr. i just wish i knew that things like that would piss him off and he'd tell me or give a warning before getting mad. i TOTALLY understand and id be pissed off too if i was the butt of a joke that was repeated like a million times in the course of 2 hrs. but...just... i dont know. i cant sleep, and YES it is early, but im tired and cant sleep. and i wont be able to sleep. matt, if you EVER read this "SORRY."

stuff

2005-04-13T05:15:31Z

so yeah...im home from dayton ohio. 8th place. im happy. there were like 61 guards, so 8th doesnt seem so bad afterall. and great times were had in ohio, including drinking after word class finals. AND, i made my wgi dvd debut. so i will be seen all over the country on the A class dvd. what more could i ask for. and i got to hang out w/ matt for a little @ world class finals. hes actually really fun in person. and we actually got to hang out for more than a second. and i also met some diamond bar hs girls, and i got to hang out w/ some black knights friends also, so altogether it was a great trip for this WGI virgin.
heres a breakdown.

WEDNESDAY
got to the airport late cuz of traffic/waking up a little late. went in the terminal and diamond bar hs was there and i met roxy in person, a girl from dbhs. they flew w/ us to chicago but we split in chicago as they flew directly to dayton ohio and we flew to cincinatti and were driving to dayton. got there at nite like at 11. everyone was tired, and our room smelled like shit. tried to swithc rooms but there were no more rooms, then went to the front desk to get fabric refresher and an air sucker thingie. the lady sed in a heavy black accent "you gotta leave th eroom when you turn this on cuz itll suck yo breath out!!!" so that was the highlight of the trip. everyone saying "itll suck yo breath out!"
THURSDAY
practiced at 2 sites, then went to the university of dayton arena to watch scholastic a prelims and support trabucco hills hs. that arena was scary and big. went tot the hotel, ate, changed, then went to the nutter center and went into prelims at 1044 pm and did ok. it was a good show, but nothing really clicked like it needed to. so we ended up 2nd in our round and we needed to be first if we wanted any chance of medaling.
FRIDAY
cuz of our ok results at prelims we were on at 9 something the next morn so we went in at the nutter center for semi finals and it was one of our bad shows. we ate at tgi fridays after, and went back and napped. we met in the afternoon when semifinals results were in and again we were second in our round, and the score placed us 10th going into finals. so blah blah, performed that nite for finals at the UD arena and it was great. in warm up, what made us feel great was the fact that jeff said "theres the guard we left back in california" apparently everything clicked and everyone was having fun and it was a great performance. lots of ppl cried as the gurad before us performed and we were waiting realizing that this is it! so we went on, then the thing was over. we all went down for awards and we moved up 2 spots to 8th so im happy... yay. oh, and we ordered pizaa at 2 in the morn.
SATURDAY
went to the dayton mall at 1130, then to world class finals. great guards, fun experience, saw matt, dbhs girls and bk friends. went back to the hotel at 12 midnite or so, packed and drank. the staff was partying too, so the guard decided too as well, lol. thats it.
SUNDAY
woke up and flew back home. the flight was at 4 or so, so we got up at 10 and left. good flight back. great memories in dayton...i LOVE my guard and ill mss them after this sunday. one more performance...local championships. were most likely taking gold...yay! thats it...daytons done!
---------------
and yeah, in the boy dept, i can say im totally intersted in someone, but hes like dating someone else, or talking or something, for like months apparently. and he said that it was over w/ them, but apparently they went out again recently so blah to that. i just dont want to be disappointed, so i guess for now well just be freinds still, even tho i know that im interested...now more than ever. and even tho i know he thinks im cute and i obviously think he is cute. oh well. but yeah, thats it. and now mark might cancel the bonfire that ive been waiting for. grrrrr. but yay for wgasc champs on sun. i get to see matt. hopefully we can hang out...that cutie!!!!!!!!

-------------------

"The Blower's Daughter" - Damien Rice
(from the movie "Closer")
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

i broke another heart...

2005-04-01T01:58:11Z

so i totally dumped jerald today. LDRs (long distance relationship) just dont work. this was my first and last one. i wanted to try it to see if itd work, but apparently it didnt. i just feel bad for jerald that hes hurt. its not that the feelings werent there, cuz i did like him. it was just that he was WAY TOO FAR!!! like i cant drive 3 hrs to visit someone... not to mention, being lonely all over here by myself and my b/f being hundreds of miles away. i get lonely, and the last thing i wouldve wanted to do was cheat w/ another guy. im a weak person that has little self control so i made sure it was off w/ jerald before anything CRAZY happened. but yeah, im sick right now, getting over it already tho. i JUST got sick yesterday, and thats what i LOVE about my body. haha i felt like DEATH yesterday, and today i jsut have a runny nose. tomorrow, i should be as good as new. and yay! i get to be w/ my guard again. i missed them when we had last wkend off! but we got a show at tesoro hs tomorrow nite, then valencia hs on sat nite, then rehearsal after till 11, then rehearsal 9-6 on sunday (my bday, btw) to be ready for dayton. we leave for dayton, OH on wed and have a 6-10 pracice tues nite that i cant make cuz of my classes. then thurs is prelims, fri morn is semis, and fri nite is finals. i really hope we kick some ass in dayton. were 4th right now, so we have th epotential to medal if NO ONE screws up and were consistent!!! so im excited. and school's great! im happy w/ this qrtrs schedule. i got good interesting classes. and the 1st wk was good. so thats it...i gotta go rest so im better for tomorrow, and yay. I'M SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE!!!

okokok

2005-03-01T07:19:05Z

blah...not the reason why my eyes teared up like 15 mins ago in the previoous entry, but partly why i feel so...well, blah. just one question...WHY THE FUCK AM I SOOOOOOOO INTIMIDATED??? i never ever get intimidated by guys!!!!! theyre supposed to be intimidated by me, not the other way around....grrrrr. i hate this feeling.

omg

2005-03-01T07:04:09Z

so yeah, as i write this entry my eyes are tearing up and i have absolutely no reason why...ok. not true. the weird thing is that theres not all this drama in my life right now. theres just so many emotions that i am feeling all at once, and im at a place in my life where i have never been before. for once in my life, i am not sure of myself. i dont know where to go, what to do, or even if i should do anything. not only that, but i also feel lonely. patly because i didnt go to my last class today, and had nowhere to go. i mean, i wanted to hang out w/ friends, but i didnt wanna call anyone. it was this weird feeling...hard to describe. not to mention the fact that im alone in the "man" department. haha, btw, the watering of the eyes has stopped. i never actually cried. but yeah, i totally need a man. just to go out w/ and have fun w/ and all that. theres some potentials, but im afraid thats all they will ever be...just potential guys. which is, well, when you think of it sad...haha boo hoo. o well, i ono what im trying to say or even what the hell im feeling. im soooooooo blah right now. i just need to take control of my life and do what my mind and heart tell me to do. its easier said than done tho...trust me!!! but in the end, if its meant to be, everything will work out, friends, b/fs, family, guard, and anything else in my life...lets just hope everything IS meant to be and my life is really easy...haha, tho its proven itself to be quite the opposite numerous times...guess we'll just have to wait and see.........

the weekend

2005-02-28T07:43:20Z

omg im so tired from practice. im about to fall asleep on the keyboard but ill finish writing this entry first. (im sooooooo nvr gonna finish this entry...im tlaking to like brent and rudy and marius....geez!!) but anywho lets start w/ fri. i hung out w. rudy for the first time. it was fun!!!!!! we went to go kart world w his friend jessicca and um...jessicas friend...EEEEeeeeee!!! i forgot his name, lol. anywho, it was a fun nite. whoever thought go karting could be so much fun for such a pretentious club whore like myself. lol. then sat i had a show at aliso niguel and call time was hella early considering the fact that we were on at 730 at nite. well, there was a little somethin somethin that happened. so after joy and i got a smoothie and ate lunch by the hs after rehearsal, we all got ready for the show. and, well, if u dont know, i crack under pressure really easily, and everytime we go on right before the show i almost cry. this time during our warm ups when wew were doing across the floors, steph said something about my attitutde which totally bugged me and made me cry. i kno she means well, but i dont think she knows ive never ever danced before coming to pacific crest. anywho, i talked w/ brian and he helped, and i personally had a good show even thought others said their show sucked. then i had practice today and now im tired as fuck. next wk is san diego, then camp the wk after, then um, VEGAS!!!!!!!! yay.

blah

2005-02-24T02:28:26Z

im here...kinda happy @ school/tired...just wanna get home.

tired...

2005-01-21T00:54:59Z

to start off lets do the basics...friendships are cool, but could be stronger w/ some ppl (meaning...well, i ono...BLAH!!! OVER IT!)...money is um, blah. cuz i have none. and romantic interests are none existant. well, im interested in some ppl, but we'll see where that goes. so on to my day...im tired and sweaty from just practicing, and its the start of my 4 day wkend...which is every wkend for me. john n emo should be coming over soon to make spice girls shirts for tigerheat tonite, but thats about all thats happening for today. and um, yeah. blah. hopefully i can do something fun this wkend...something diff. maybe a party or a date...wink wink. lol but anywho, im so tired and i need to shower... heres um...some gwen lyrics i love (the real thing). wish i could find someone to make this all true...haha. and then under that are ashlee's undiscovered lyrics.

******

Gwen Stefani - The Real Thing Lyrics
I've seen your face a thousand times
Have all your stories memorized
I've kissed your lips a million ways
But I still love to have you around

I've held you too many times to count
I think I know you inside out
And we're together most days
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just phase
You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time

You're a salty water ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around

Heaven knows what will come next
So emotional, you're so complex
A rollercoaster built to crash
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just phase
You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing
Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I)

It's you there when I close my eyes
And you in the morning
I never thought you'd still be mine
Or I'd really need to have you around

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I need you, you're my love supply

Don't go away
My love (you're my love supply)
I want you to stay
In my life (every day, every night)
Don't go away
My love (you're my love supply)
I need you, you're my love supply

******

Ashlee Simpson - Undiscovered Lyrics
Take it back, take it all back now
The things i gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than i do
All the reasons i gave, excuses i made for you
Are broken in two

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

Don't walk away

Touch me now how i wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz im so in love with what we were
Im not breathing im suffocating without you
Do u feel it to

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

When im in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
Its then i know my heart is whole
Theres a million reasons why i cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz i dont wana be alone

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you

Cuz i cant fake and I cant hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all i need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, im without
I'm crossed out
I'm kicked out
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away

just here...

2005-01-19T21:38:10Z

im at the pride center at school and am about to go to am govt @ 2. then its nonstop from 2-8...it should be very boring, along w/ boring eng after, and then a quiz in soc. that by the way i havent studied for. but blah, yesterday i went to the qsafe meeting w/ john n emo, then wrnt home n practiced winterguard work for an hour, then went back to school. at 530 there was a rap group...and no we didnt rhyme...lol...we talked about gay issues n stuff...then i picked up arnel an dwe went out for coffee @ starbucks. i found out i had the soc quiz and just read the study guide. then i went online, tlaked to my ppl, and went to bed...blah. so today will be boring, but its my only school day this wk. hopefully i can plan someting fun this wkend...and um i got practice on sun but thats it. badminton was fun this morning. i hit chester w/ the cock...no not that cock...the shuttle cock. haha...then step aerobics was also fun!!! yay!!! i need to lose my rolls anywho..lol. well thats it. gotta get to class in a bit...bye bye
-michael
<33333

so lost...

2005-01-09T10:00:50Z

tonight must have been one of the worst nights of my life...and im NOT being OD!!! its not what happened that makes it THAT bad, it the horrible realization that i came to that makes it ONE OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE. ...and the realization is that...(drumroll please) ...basically no matter what happens with the current situation w/ (insert name here) and i, it will end badly. i can already tell that things will be so bad between us. and i dont blame one bit of it on him. i dont know how to deal w/ my feelings, and the way i deal, tho they may seem reetarded or drastic, is the only way i kno. it may be selfish, childish, rude, and any other negative word u can think of, but i have not been taught otherwise...this is the only way i kno how to deal. if only life were easy and i wouldnt develop feelings for my friend, everything would be oh so perfect, but no. there was drama tonite, that yes i admit i created, but i cant change that. its me and its the way i deal w/ things. i just wanna get over this already cuz ive honestly cried countless nites over this shit...and lets add one more nite to that count cuz of tonite...grrrrrr. i have no one to be mad @ but myself, and i can only hope that one day i will learn to deal w/ things better...i kno this is the wrong way...but its the ONLY way. i cant get stuck anymore...i gotta get over it!!!
-----------
and um...heres the lyrics to this entry's music...it means lots!!!

Deborah Cox - Easy As Life

No, no, no, no
Nothing is easy

All I have to do is forget how much I love him
All I have to do is put my longing to one side
Tell myself that love’s an ever changing situation
Passion would have cooled, and all the magic would have died
It’s easy as life

I try to forget how much I want him here
Then my dreams slowly disappear
I cannot forget that my emotions die
Oh I don’t even want to try
Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do

All I have to do is pretend I never knew you
On those very rare occasions when you steal into my heart
Better to have lost you when the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot stop
It’s easy as life

I try to forget how much I want him here
Then my dreams slowly disappear
I cannot forget that my emotions die
Oh I don’t even want to try
Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do

It hurts to think about you
When I want to touch you
And how we would have been
If you were here with me today
Those very rare occasions
They keep on coming
All I ever wanted
I’m throwing it away

Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do

blah

2005-01-04T09:14:06Z

ASHLEE SIMPSON

"Surrender"

If that's the way you want it
Well there you go
Baby you can have it all,
Now that you just let me go
Yeah,yeah
Yeah,yeah

I waited here for so long
Thinkin' that you'd see
You just kept on runnin' away
You make your misery my company

Open up your eyes
Dont you know you only get one life

Oh, you drive me crazy
Oh, you just bring me down
Look out your window
My sunshine's all around
All you have to do is just surrender, just surrender

All the pain in your heart,
All the tears in your empty soul
And when you're spinnin' round and around
Im the psycho goin' outta control

Open up your eyes
Dont you know youre only wasting time

Oh, you drive me crazy
Oh, you just bring me down
Look out your window
My sunshine's all around
All you have to do is just surrender, just surrender

You know it doesn't matter what you do
Dont you know i'm so over you

Open up your eyes
Dont you know that it's your life

Oh, you drive me crazy
Oh, you just bring me down
Look out your window
My sunshine's all around
All you gotta do...

Oh, you drive me crazy
Oh, you just bring me down
Look out your window
My sunshine's all around
All you gotta do is just surrender, just surrender

If that's the way you want it
Well there you go

blah...

2004-12-30T10:40:05Z

Yellowcard - "Only One"

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

-------------

Ryan Cabrera - "True"

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true